my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
BETRAYAL
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
why I oughta
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…