ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.