oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.