Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50