My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*