bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning