Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.