Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Customize Your Wedding.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
ugh not again
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>