holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
You Might Also Like
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately