The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.