He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
😂 amazing answer
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]