In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.