HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.