If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Okay me first
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.