Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.