Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Yup!
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ