Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
58.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.