The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*