*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
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For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Love this guy
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.