just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
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No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.