I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see