sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
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It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?