Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Very good! 👍😂
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
#Thanos #MondayMood
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir