I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all