MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
WHY would you be happy about this?