The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
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The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*