me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
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“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
File under excellent bookstore names.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”