*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I put the mess in domestic.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*looks at you in batman voice*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.