I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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the battle rages on
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.