In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Ummm
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans