Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
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Lmao
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I think this cat is broken
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.