Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat