Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her: