Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.