[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.