I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
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ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours