Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
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I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Not today
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.