Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*