Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
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This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you