I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Who says great literature is dead?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined