Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.