That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
When I said I liked it rough.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.