I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.