Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
You Might Also Like
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.