I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.