My guardian angel deserves a raise
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watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point