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She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes