Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.