[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
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Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed