Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
You Might Also Like
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Oh the world we live in…
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
What is going on? 😅
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.